i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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