Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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