i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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