Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
