I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
