I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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