how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
