we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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