I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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