A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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