I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
