I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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