I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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