Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
