lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
