I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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