In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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