I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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