do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize