then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
