Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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