Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
