My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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