Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
