Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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