She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
