Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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