Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You can't motorboat a personality
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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