I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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