I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
