Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
