I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
