she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
