While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
