Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
