So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
