My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
