I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
