I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
