So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
