I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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