Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
