My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
