The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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