My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
