I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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