Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
