Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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