I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
