im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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