Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
