I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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