not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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